Newest Project

I Love Alice Friman

So I wrote a review of Alice Friman's Vinculum for The Chattahoochee Review. Look for it in the next issue. The book is gorgeous, and I wanted to share one of the poems here. It was published in Gettysburg Review:



THE COLOR OF INEFFABLE

Yesterday on my walk, a Polyphemus moth,
dead. All color drained
but for the great dark eyes on her wings.
How could I not bring her home? She was
bleached perfection, the color of faded silk
or a brittle papyrus on which were written
the now unreadable inks and the cocoon’s mystery.

The expert says she died of starvation,
having used up all the fat
from her salad days. But he can’t explain
her lack of color or why she appeared
in the one spot between sunshine and shade
where I’d be sure to find her.

I keep her on the corner of my desk,
marvel at her six-inch spread, the night-
flying veins bursting like moon rays
from the center post of her body—a wonder,
a week’s worth of wonder, for seven days
is all she had. So says Professor Moth,
and he must know. But I like to think
when her allotted time was up,
she in her hour of certitude put aside
all purples and gold, all buzz of sequin
and flutter and whim, and like a queen
facing the wall of inevitable,
laid the white flag of herself down naked:
elect: the devil’s parchment, the angel’s chalk.

The professor says impossible.
But what does he know about epic queens
or poets in white? And what could he understand
about women and starve?

On Keeping My Mouth Shut

During the past two years of my clinical counseling education, I've had it pointed out to me more than once that I have a propensity to rescue--that I somehow feel it is my job to jump in and defend the downtrodden and insulted, even when my "help" might be unnecessary and/or unwanted. I've given this a lot of thought and know it comes from the feeling that, as a child, I was not protected, that people stayed silent when they should have spoken up. I understand my impulse but also, now, realize that it's not always my job to step in it (with adults), that people should be allowed to handle their own problems in their own ways, that not everyone welcomes my assistance. So.

Last night, as a reward for another semester down and all my new new-found enlightenment, I went to get my nails did. Mani/pedi, as it were. I arrived at the salon around 7, and they close at 8, so it was pretty dead. Just me and another lady, getting her toes done in the chair beside me. She was around my age, unremarkable, leaning back with her eyes closed. I treated myself to the deluxe edition and was enjoying my third round of leg massage, feeling like the Queen of Cobb County.

I was a happy camper, reading about Steven Tyler in People, watching my neighbors come and go for take-out Chinese next door, when the tiny, young probably-owner of the shop asked me to go ahead and pay before I got polished, which is the usual MO. While she was at it, she collected payment from the other lady (let's call her Miss Trunchbull*) too. I gave her cash and Trunchbull gave her a debit card.

A few minutes later, the probably-proprietress returned with Trunchbull's card and receipt. Upon examining it, Trunchbull announced, "This is INCORRECT! It says $33 and my pedicure was only $19!" Then I said, "Oh, she mixed ours up," to which Trunchbull replied,  "UN-AC-CEPTABLE!" I was afraid she'd call the magistrate.

The wrong-doer, with her beautiful little face, began apologizing profusely in broken English, which would have disarmed a normal person, but Miss Trunchbull, as it turned out, was no normal person: "In your HASTE to clear the tab," said she, "you made a CUSTOMER very unhappy!" It was clear this customer had never gotten a birthday present or had her name called in the Magic Mirror, as it was such a short trip from unhappy to very.

By now, the criminal-manicurist was on the phone, speaking in her native tongue to someone about correcting the grievous error. It took more than a minute, as even I could make out that she was flustered and having to repeat herself. When she came back over, she explained to TB, "14 dollars will be refunded to your account, but it takes one to two days. I'm so sorry." TB took the volume up a couple of notches: "I am not PLEASED! I realize 14 dollars might not seem like a lot of money, but it is MY MONEY, money that I will not have access to for ONE OR TWO DAYS! ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE RUSHING!"

By now, I was eyeing my purse, wondering how much cash I had left. I would just give her all of it to shut the fukup. I had one woman working on my hands and one on my feet, and they kept their eyes cast down except to give me an occasional wide-eyed look that means what-the-hell in every language. No one interfered. We were waiting it out. But TB wasn't finished; she had to practice her condescension: "I am not ANG-GREE at you. I just want you to THINK about this in the future and don't be in such a hurry! Then these things will not happen!"

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I noticed the teddy-bear-rainbow clip-on badge hanging from her collar that indicated she was a school teacher. Inside my heart, I wept for her students. And I don't even like kids. I imagined the poor elfin creatures banished to the broom closet for sneezing or breaking their pencil lead. She'd make them chew on their hair and drink their spit during snack time.

Tirade over, finally, she leaned down to the woman holding her feet, who'd been steadily working during the outburst. "You always do such a good job," she told her, in a sweet-as-pie voice that proved she gives to charity and brakes for squirrels.

Through it all, I held my tongue, but silently I cursed her: In the next week or two, you're going to do something incredibly stupid, because you're in a hurry, or on your period, or thinking about why your husband left you. You're going to lose your car keys and find them in the refrigerator, or roll your Ford Tempo into the car in front of you at a stop light, or knock over the Entenmann's display at BiLo. And someone is going to be royally inconvenienced because you missed their parent conference, or they've gotta go to Ding King, or they have to mop up the powdered sugar. But they're going to tell you it's ok, no big deal, could happen to anyone, and you will have to live with that.



* Other Ideas:
Cruella
Ursula
Maleficent
Nelly Olsen
Almira Gulch

The Reason Lola is Grounded Indefinitely

Found on our desktop:

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

I've worked at Portfolio Center for almost 13 years. One day last week daughter Georgia and I were in the school's ladies' room at the same time. I gave her first choice for a stall, and she chose the unit on the right (Picture #1). 

"Ugh! Why would you want that one?!" says I, "You have to back up against the wall and squeeze yourself between the paper roller and the door to get out of it." Then I proceeded to demonstrate, as I've reenacted for you below...

whereupon my daughter, currently a student here, gave the door a little push OUT with her finger.

A Lesson in Contrasts

Can you guess which part of the history belongs to whom?

The Jacklo Laziness Inventory

This semester, I'm taking a testing & assessment class, which teaches us about the various psychological test instruments and how to use them. I decided to create one myself, inspired by my two youngest children. It is short but reliable.

Directions: Imagine what you'd do in each of the following scenarios and choose the most likely answer:

The JLI

1. When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you do is:

a. take your dog, which you begged for and promised to care for, out to pee before quietly making yourself a bowl of cereal.

b. swaddle your dog tightly in the blanket, rendering him immobile, and go back to sleep

c. throw your dog in your mother's bed, ask her to fix you pancakes, and go back to sleep until breakfast is ready


2. You are on the couch, watching TV. Your mother is upstairs painting nesting dolls and listening to BeeGee's radio on Pandora. You need the remote, which is on the chair across from the couch, out of reach. You:

a. get up to get the remote and, while you are up, gather your candy wrappers and little pile of toenail clippings and put them in the trash.

b. just go ahead and watch 'Fishing With Roland Martin'

c. call your mother on your cell phone and ask her to come downstairs and hand you the remote


3. You are doing your math homework when your pencil lead breaks. You:

a. get up and find the pencil sharpener

b. use the crayon that the dog is chewing on at your feet

c. figure you really didn't need to learn fractions anyway


4. You are home from college for the weekend. You'd like to hang out with someone around your own age. Most of your friends, who are also home from school, live in a neighborhood less than half a mile away. You:

a. ride your bike over to Dennis's house

b. call your friends and tell them to come pick you up and take you to Applebee's

c. ask your 21-year-old sister to watch you play Bioshock II


5. You are getting ready to work out at the Y and you want an energy drink before you go. You:

a. mix yourself a smoothie, adding fresh fruit and yogurt

b. just eat a banana; the smoothie is too much trouble

c. stare at the jar of protein powder until your mother offers to pour the milk and get the spoon



Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for each a answer, 2 points for each b answer, and 3 points for each c answer.

Results:

5-8: Congratulations! You have a pulse and measurable brain waves.

9-12: You are slothful but resourceful.

13-15: Someone needs to make sure you're breathing and that you don't drown in your own drool.