Rules For the Gym

I've belonged to our local Y since 1993, when I was a married single parent and their nursery was the only thing standing between me and stretch pants. Over the fifteen years or so of my membership, the facility has been renovated, oh...I'd guess...about fifteen times, during which they shut down chunks of it, so that everyone is crammed into, say, the circuit training area while the free weights are out of commission, or we're forced to ride the stationary bikes in tandem. This will go on for a couple of months until there's a new playscape where the basketball courts used to be and everyone is doing Zumba instead of kickboxing.

Now, they've configured the cardio area so that the circuit actually circuits it, which means I'm subjected to all the politics that occur when someone circles in the wrong direction or refuses to let another "work in" between sets. And the free weights are against the back (mirrored) wall, so I have to witness the macho strutting and preening that happens between the bench press and the squat machine, as well as a beastly amount of back hair and butt sweat.

My simple routine is designed to spare me as much of this bother as possible, meaning I beeline into the Big Room, ignoring the pesky posters reminding me to stretch or encouraging me to spend more time with my children; brace myself for the chicken-soup-and-pickles smell that belies the spa-esque color palette; find myself a functional elliptical machine with a working TV; do my time; and dash back out to the parking lot before any of the folks trying to figure out where they recognize me from remember I'm the person who chastised them for bringing their kids to Publix during the holidays or for paying with cash during the gas crisis. Anything else I need to do, toning for instance, can be accomplished at home with dumb bells, while Lola and I watch Beach Patrol.

But no matter how I streamline the experience or pep-talk myself into a kinder, gentler attitude, I still leave that necessary evil--more often than not--as annoyed as if I'd stood in line for an hour at the DMV, behind an ogling nose-picker with a hacking cough.

So yesterday, while ellipticaling and crying over Something's Gotta Give, I compiled a few simple rules, suggestions if you will, to improve everyone's experience:

1. First, if you know you're going to the gym, forgo the beans and cabbage. Do not make your own special contribution to the already moist and fetid air.

2. Brush your teeth before you go. (See above)

3. Make sure your work-out clothes fit properly and cover your lady- or man-parts. I do not need a shot of your moneymaker while you're on the hip abductor machine.

4. Turn your cell phone off. Unless you've got a surefire stock tip or a way to erase Sarah Palin from our memory, no one wants to hear your conversation.

5. When choosing a treadmill, stairmaster, etc., leave as much space as you can between you and the next person. In other words, if there are a dozen machines in the row and I am the only one working out, do not take the machine right beside me. Seriously.

6. If, however, it is so crowded that you must occupy a machine next to another person, do not turn your TV to Bill O'Reilly. It is impossible to avoid looking over at his smug face when his lips are flapping so fast.

7. Do not let your children play on the machines. The Y already has rules against this, but many parents are under the impression that their own children are the exception. They're the same parents who let their kids wheel the grocery cart into your heels at Publix and let them peer at you under the restroom stall at Target.

8. Do not repeatedly flex and pose in the mirrors. You look exactly the same as you did before you benched those fifty pounds.

9. Do NOT wipe the machines down when you're finished using them. You're not paying over $600 a year to do custodial work. If we all refuse to comply, they'll make one of those teenagers writing poetry at the front desk do it.

10. And, finally, if you are exceptionally fit and beautiful, do the rest of us a favor and work out early in the morning--before class, or in the early-afternoon off hours, before your shift at Hooters.

Rules for Buying Gas Post-Hurricane

If you'll recall, last year I wrote a list of rules for grocery shopping during the holidays. After my hour-long wait for gas yesterday, I feel compelled to make a similar list for Buying Gas During the Fuel Crisis:

1. Do not wait until you're on "Empty" to start looking for gas. If you run out while waiting in line, and have to push your car to the pump, not only do you slow things down but you also demoralize everyone who has to watch you push.

2. Do not get into an hour-plus gas line with your kids in the car. If the wait isn't abuse in itself, your smacking them around because they misbehave--once they get tired/hungry/need to pee--is.

3. If you disregard rule #2, do NOT leave your car parked in front of the pump while you take the kids in to buy Ding-Dongs and apple juice and take them to the restroom.

4. If you leave your car near the back of the line and stroll up to the parking lot to check out the progress (or lack of), report back to those in their cars as you walk back down to your vehicle. We are bored and need the distraction. If there's nothing to report, sing us a song.

5. Pay with a check card or credit card.

6. Have that card ready. Don't wait until you're parked at the pump to begin searching the bottom of your purse, discarding old coupons, pennies, used tissues, mangled tampons, and melted lip gloss.

7. GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE once you get to the pump. Do NOT do this job one-handed. Do NOT let yourself be distracted by your mom's story of how intoxicated Aunt Jo got at Cousin Martha's wedding reception.

8. Be in a hurry. At least ACT like you care that others are still suffering.

9. DO NOT CLEAN YOUR WINDSHIELD, clean out your car, or check your fluids! Unless a pterodactyl has taken a dump on the glass, you can wait until you get home.

10. No gas cans! Your grass can wait, this is no time to be riding a go-kart, and you can keep the body in the freezer until this crisis is over.

Tip # 1: Don't

Today's post was inspired by my trip to Publix yesterday. I'm writing it as a mother of four, a wife, a daughter, and a granddaughter. So spare me the excuses for the violations. The following are rules for grocery shopping during holiday peak hours--peak hours being those times when the only parking spaces available are the ones on the shuttle route.

1. Be patient as you look for a spot to park your Suburban; you don't have any more right to park than the teenager in the Taco Bell uniform, driving a Ford Escort.

2. After parking your vehicle, collect at the crosswalk. Wait a couple of minutes for the folks who are coming up behind you (THEY should be hurrying). In the meantime, wave a couple of cars through so they can actually get OUT of the lot to make room for others. The alternative is a lazy string of crossing pedestrians, with a line of cars waiting for them, blocking the entrance from the main road.

3. Unless they fit in the buggy and are asleep (baby) or wearing a muzzle, do NOT bring your children. And by 'fit in the buggy,' I don't mean sprawled on the rack on the bottom with their hands and legs hanging out. Extra bodies are bad. Extra bodies crying, whining, and begging for Cookie Crisp are a capital offense. The only people who should be in the store are those who are actually shopping, their mission being to get in and get out.

4. Along those same lines, do not bring your spouse or significant other if all they're going to do is shuffle behind you and take up space. If they must accompany you, give them half the list, and have them carry as many items as they can in their arms and bring them back to the cart. (Never use more than one cart per party.)

5. No one over 75. It's too dangerous. That's just common sense.

6. Do not park your cart on one side of the aisle and stand directly across from it on the other side of the aisle, creating a roadblock while you try to decide between Bumblebee or Chicken of the Sea. If you move your cart ahead a bit, diagonally across, other shoppers will be able to weave through.

7. During holiday peak hours, you should only be shopping for the items you need for the season's dinner and staple foods for you and your guests. You should have already stocked up on the non-perishables that you know you always need: toilet paper, tampons, pet food, shampoo, vitamins, batteries, Gas-X, and beer.

8. This is NOT the time to purchase lottery tickets or money orders.

9. Nor is it the time to catch up with your PTA friend in the canned vegetable aisle.

10. Don't even THINK about writing a check.