Rules for Buying Gas Post-Hurricane

If you'll recall, last year I wrote a list of rules for grocery shopping during the holidays. After my hour-long wait for gas yesterday, I feel compelled to make a similar list for Buying Gas During the Fuel Crisis:

1. Do not wait until you're on "Empty" to start looking for gas. If you run out while waiting in line, and have to push your car to the pump, not only do you slow things down but you also demoralize everyone who has to watch you push.

2. Do not get into an hour-plus gas line with your kids in the car. If the wait isn't abuse in itself, your smacking them around because they misbehave--once they get tired/hungry/need to pee--is.

3. If you disregard rule #2, do NOT leave your car parked in front of the pump while you take the kids in to buy Ding-Dongs and apple juice and take them to the restroom.

4. If you leave your car near the back of the line and stroll up to the parking lot to check out the progress (or lack of), report back to those in their cars as you walk back down to your vehicle. We are bored and need the distraction. If there's nothing to report, sing us a song.

5. Pay with a check card or credit card.

6. Have that card ready. Don't wait until you're parked at the pump to begin searching the bottom of your purse, discarding old coupons, pennies, used tissues, mangled tampons, and melted lip gloss.

7. GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE once you get to the pump. Do NOT do this job one-handed. Do NOT let yourself be distracted by your mom's story of how intoxicated Aunt Jo got at Cousin Martha's wedding reception.

8. Be in a hurry. At least ACT like you care that others are still suffering.

9. DO NOT CLEAN YOUR WINDSHIELD, clean out your car, or check your fluids! Unless a pterodactyl has taken a dump on the glass, you can wait until you get home.

10. No gas cans! Your grass can wait, this is no time to be riding a go-kart, and you can keep the body in the freezer until this crisis is over.


Montgomery Maxton said...

A couple of weeks ago I was waiting in a 45 min gas line when the rather large (slow walking) man in his mega-ton SUV in front of me finally pulled up to the pump. He walks to the pump, again slowly, and then pumps his gas. He finishes, walks back to his mega-ton SUV, gets in, taps the break, gets out, walks slowly into the store, buys a jug of soda and a beef jerky and slowly walks back out to his mega-ton SUV. there were seventeen cars in his lane alone.

Anonymous said...

Did you say anything to this person? I would have asked him to move his car. If he did not, his car and/or tires would not be in the same condition when he returned. There has to be a consequence for blatant rudeness and civil disorder.

Rupert said...

I love it that anonymous is a bad-ass . . . or is the bad-ass anonymous . . . it's all so confusing . . .

ButtonHole said...

Mangled tampons!! Is that before or after use? Just the thought of it getting "mangled" up there is just too funny!

Maybe Bad-Ass Anonym-ass had something to do with it.

ButtonHole said...

I will mention a possible need for revision here, though! It might be that the gas can is going to the car of some poor soul who's stranded way way out in the wilderness and has been for days.

No? You're probably right--the filler's just an ass.

Collin said...

I have been doing as little driving as possible since I filled up my tank last Monday. A week later, I still have more than half a tank.

Tania Rochelle said...

Collin, that's because you're ITP; I am, unfortunately, OTP.

Button, that was a good description of the bottom of my purse, where unused tampons end up with torn wrappers and frayed tips. They do serve to keep both husband and son out of my bag.

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