I'm Game

Dear God,

I don’t pray as often as I should, but I saw this sign at the church up the street and thought it was worth a try.

First, I have to say thanks for this husband. He’s not perfect, but he sure beats that piece-of-work you stuck me with last time.

This one's been a good dad and always makes the children a priority. He’s made me a better parent by guilting me into attending band parent’s meetings and open houses--and by insisting that we take the kids with us on vacations. He also plays with them and takes them to the circus so I don’t have to.

If it weren’t for him, my son would never get to ride his bike or go camping or explode things like Axe body spray cans. Jack wouldn’t have the paint guns or knives, either. My husband insists I let Jack be a boy—as much as Jack can be, given his tendency to act like a pensioner.

My husband can be a hard-ass when he needs to be, however, and by means of threats and personal tutorials is single-handedly responsible for helping Jack get a 100 on his last Algebra test. You know I can’t help with that, Lord. Homework gives me a rash. (And let's don't pretend you didn't see how I cheated my way through high school algebra and barely passed Math for Liberal Arts Majors in college.)

Plus, my husband is sweet; he let me get a puppy.

Anyway, I have a lot to be grateful for, and I appreciate it all, but there are a few things my husband could use some help with, and since I would like for our marriage to be even better, I’ll give it a shot and pray for him, just like the Lutherans said.

Let’s start with his tendency to be overly “frugal.” I mean, I’m glad that his refusal to live beyond our means keeps us debt-free—and I've gotten used to setting the thermostat to 68 in the winter and 79 in the summer…but—c’mon--I’ve had the same grocery budget since 1999, back when a gallon of milk was two bucks.

Also, while I generally love his idealistic spirit, his optimism, and his faith in miracles, it would be good if he’d finally accept that the hole in the kitchen ceiling is not going to fix itself. Along the same lines, his belief that if he works out hard enough he can get washboard abs like Clay on Newport Harbor is downright delusional. He’s not 22, after all. Besides, don’t you agree that Clive Owen would be a better role model?

And speaking of Newport Harbor, I pray that you will cure my husband’s addiction to reality tv. I know what you’re thinking, Lord—something about the board in my own eye. But you know I’m merely a social watcher, whereas, my husband can’t pass the television, ever, without getting a fix.

It must have been all those years with teen girls in the house. He got hooked on the constant drama, the highs and lows of it all, making fun of the boyfriends with their puka shell necklaces. Now, with both of the girls gone, he’s turned to shows like The Hills. I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse--that he’ll start calling in sick to work to watch reruns of Laguna Beach.

Which reminds me—it would be great if you could send him another big project at work--something enormous like the one he had last year. And let there be another sinkhole and a contractor who's a real dick. Then he won't be so bored all day, and he won’t have as much time to surf the net and send me links like this or forward invitations to events like the ‘Women of Faith’ conference. No offense, Lord.

While I’m at it, I guess I should ask you to give him a hand in the compliments skills area. If you could somehow heal him of thinking that phrases such as “Your hair looks good today; it’s not as big as it usually is” and (while mountain biking) “You’re not as slow as you were last weekend” qualify as honeyed words.

Oh, I realize this is asking a lot, God, but I'm begging you--send him some decent friends. He only has three friends now, and they're serious losers--you have to admit.

And finally, if you could open his mind a tiny crack, show him that there are other kinds of cheese besides 'yellow,' better times for sex than after ESPN SportsCenter, and more to the fall season than Florida football, the state of our union would be much improved.

I’m telling you, take care of these things, Lord, and I’ll have the perfect marriage.

Hey thanks. You rock. Amen.


Jennifer said...

You and Pootie should try to have sex while you're watching reality TV: Big Brother, America's Next Top Model, American Idol... I know some booty alongside these shows would definitely get me off, and they'll probably help Pootie along too.

Collin said...

Big Pootie has you on a grocery budget? What year is it? 1953? You're the Ricky and Lucy of Cobb. Don't buy that hat, Lucy, no matter what Ethel says.

Tania Rochelle said...

We have budgets for everything, Collin. And we have weekly allowances. It's all fair and equal--and mutually negotiated. We're both consenting adults.

If we didn't have the budgets, Pootie would own every cardigan Stefan's sells, I'd have 9 puppies, and we'd have to move in with my mother.

Rupert said...

I am soooooooo glad my Kathy does not have a blog . . . cos, let's face it, what *are* men (ok, mostly straight men) except a pastiche of offensive habits . . . but at least our BO (studies have shown) help regulate women's cycles!
Sorry, that's the best guy card i can play at the moment . .

ads. said...

The Ricky and Lucy of Cobb....I love it! A few thoughts:
1. "You've gotten used to the temp range?" I can see the upper range in the summer, but the winter? It's freakin' GEORGIA! How cold could it get? We've barely had snow up HERE for the last 5 years... Women have a comfort range of about .3-.5 degrees.
2. I do agree we are generally offensive....so why knock a guy for tryin' to stay in shape.
3.That stuff doesn't fix itself....DAMN!
4.Food costs more, but there are less people in the house and he's trying to lose weight...it all evens out...it's a wash! (I know, shut up)
5.No offense, but I hope this doesn't work. If it does, my wife will have out everything, from buddha to chicken bones...

Tania Rochelle said...

Ads., you and Biggypootie reading the same book?

biggy said...

Ads is obviously very intelligent.

mamoo said...

i am laughing so hard i have mascara running down my face.

About Me

My photo
Writer, teacher, student, mom.

Fresh Flowers Delivered