Tomorrow is my birthday--43. I weigh the same as I did at 15. No, seriously. That's how sick I am. I can REMEMBER what I weighed every year since I was diagnosed as anorexic at 10 (I weighed 65, the same as my best friend Pam, who was three inches shorter). I'm tweny-one years into recovery from anorexia and bulimia, and maintain a normal weight, yet I still measure my peanut butter by the tablespoon and can tell you how many calories per oz. in any food, from bean sprouts to Tang. You should have seen my therapist taking notes when she brought up the subject of antidepressants of few weeks ago. I told her that everyone I knew on anti-d's has gained weight (or so they tell me), and I'd rather be depressed than fat. Scribble scribble.

Besides, I'm not really depressed. I'm mad. But getting less so.

Those close to me (within screaming distance) know I've had a difficult year, which came on the heels of a difficult year. No time to recover from one family crisis before the next. But conflict leads to change, right? In the past twelve months, I've taken up mountain biking with Biggy, overcoming the chronic pussiness that kept me from trying it when I was younger. I found a great therapist, who can sit in her Marietta office and smell bullshit from a farm in Jasper. I finished my second book, a difficult one to write because it tells the truth about how I failed my oldest child, Blue Magoo. And I've actually survived the loss of what remnants of innocence I had left. I'm a real grown-up now. Still alive. Still married. Oh yes, and sober. Maybe there was some redemption, then.

And in spite a few bad habits like weighing cheese, I've learned to love and accept my body--that aging vessel of my guts and passions, and to eat Publix fried chicken without remorse. More small steps.

So, tonight, if you're awake at 12:05, close your eyes and wish me a happy birthday; send good thoughts for the year ahead.


Anne-Davnes said...

Damn Tania,

I had no idea you struggled with that. You're beautiful and I've always envied the way you look. And your spirit. I hope you feel very special today - I know it's cheesy, but that's how I feel on my birthday every year.


minus five said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
minus five said...

*****i misspelled a word, so i deleted the previous comment.

"people, events, discoveries; i could have arrived a year earlier, a year later, i could have chosen the path leading to the right rather than the left and not have known them. i am glad i did"

-elie wiesel (the oath)

from a book i am now reading. a difficult book. regarding life and choices and regret and foresight and hindsight and doing what you can with what you've got.

but this is one of the things i thought about when i read this entry, so i thought i would share it with you and other people who like to read blog comments.

and on a lighter note, i have heard water cooler conversations at pc and the guys think you're freakin' hot. i don't think they care that you eat fried chicken.

p.s. happy 43rd.

Collin said...

I'm about to go to bed, but wanted to say Happy Birthday...and many, many more.



You are brave, kind and beautiful; none of which has a thing to do with the way you look. That is a lesson that I'm not completely sure if I'll ever have a handle on, but I will continue to strive to unearth the truth of who I am until I am no longer afforded the honor of presence on this earth...so, in the words of Winston Churchill, "Never, never, never give up." ...and have a spectacular birthday!

Anonymous said...

If you gained a pound every year since you were fifteen how much would you weigh on your 92nd birthday? If you lost a half-pound every year since 15, what would you weigh at 92?

Tania Rochelle said...

Anon, I don't do math.

melissa kuperminc said...

Happy Birthday Tania! Peace and joy for this year: you deserve it. You are strong and I admire you for it!

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