Mandatory Band Parents Meeting #2

Last night, we had to attend another mandatory band parents meeting, since the marching band leaves around 5 a.m. Thursday for a competition in Indiana. We were forced once again to convene, with standing room only, to endure the predictable exchanges of endless thanks, lame jokes, and stupid questions.

Besides suffering that, I hate being in a crowd of ugly middle-aged people who remind me I’ve seen my own better days. I’m talking about 300 people between the ages of 38 and 58, awash in fluorescent light. Women who look like they spackle their faces, and men who part their hair over one ear. At one end of the spectrum are those who wear elastic waistbands. At the other end are those who spray tan. No matter where I look, though, it’s a reality check I don’t want to cash.

Then, of course, there are the excruciating proceedings:

Band Parent Leader: We’re going to try to move this along, so we can all get home for Bill O’Reilly. Students received packets today with the same information we’re about to go over, so if you don’t catch everything, not to worry--you can read it later. We'll start tonight off with Polly Ester, chair of the refreshment committee.

Polly (doing the mic tap-dodge-flinch): Thanks (ear-splitting reverb). Oooh, that’s loud. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who donated cups this year. We have finished the season, are now into post-season, and we still have enough to get us through the equivalent of two Rock-a-thons. If you donated cups, would you please stand and be recognized (clapping and murmers of praise before she turns mic over to BPL).

BPL: While we’re at it, we should recognize everyone on the refreshment committee. You guys have done a fabulous job making sure we never run out of Ho-Ho’s and FunYuns. Please stand so everyone can see who you are.

(Repeat for uniform committee, prop committee, spirit wear committee, fundraising committee, poster committee, newsletter committee, first-aid committee, and bobby pin committee.)

Then, of course, lest anyone get their feelings hurt, these same folks had to take turns thanking the band itself for all its hard work and for coming in seventh place in the regional championships.

Next came the treasurer’s report, after which Biggy had to push my head up off his shoulder and dab the drool from his jacket. He wanted to make sure I was awake, so I wouldn’t miss the Indianapolis information session or a single question that it prompted.

We were told to have our students at school by 4:30 Thursday morning and to pack them plenty of warm clothes; that students would be allowed to bring dvd players and mp3 players, as long as they have headphones; that all movies should be rated G or PG, and all cd’s, Wal-Mart approved. It was explained that they will need money for five meals—fast food, and for t-shirts if they want to buy one. Students were encouraged to bring a small blanket and pillow for the bus.

Then it was time for questions from the floor:

Should I feed my child breakfast Thursday morning?

Can they bring personal dvd players?

Will it be cold in Indianapolis?

How much money should we send?

Can my son bring the movie Jackass?

Will you keep the drumline away from our daughters?