Mandatory Band Parents Meeting #2

Last night, we had to attend another mandatory band parents meeting, since the marching band leaves around 5 a.m. Thursday for a competition in Indiana. We were forced once again to convene, with standing room only, to endure the predictable exchanges of endless thanks, lame jokes, and stupid questions.

Besides suffering that, I hate being in a crowd of ugly middle-aged people who remind me I’ve seen my own better days. I’m talking about 300 people between the ages of 38 and 58, awash in fluorescent light. Women who look like they spackle their faces, and men who part their hair over one ear. At one end of the spectrum are those who wear elastic waistbands. At the other end are those who spray tan. No matter where I look, though, it’s a reality check I don’t want to cash.

Then, of course, there are the excruciating proceedings:

Band Parent Leader: We’re going to try to move this along, so we can all get home for Bill O’Reilly. Students received packets today with the same information we’re about to go over, so if you don’t catch everything, not to worry--you can read it later. We'll start tonight off with Polly Ester, chair of the refreshment committee.

Polly (doing the mic tap-dodge-flinch): Thanks (ear-splitting reverb). Oooh, that’s loud. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who donated cups this year. We have finished the season, are now into post-season, and we still have enough to get us through the equivalent of two Rock-a-thons. If you donated cups, would you please stand and be recognized (clapping and murmers of praise before she turns mic over to BPL).

BPL: While we’re at it, we should recognize everyone on the refreshment committee. You guys have done a fabulous job making sure we never run out of Ho-Ho’s and FunYuns. Please stand so everyone can see who you are.

(Repeat for uniform committee, prop committee, spirit wear committee, fundraising committee, poster committee, newsletter committee, first-aid committee, and bobby pin committee.)

Then, of course, lest anyone get their feelings hurt, these same folks had to take turns thanking the band itself for all its hard work and for coming in seventh place in the regional championships.

Next came the treasurer’s report, after which Biggy had to push my head up off his shoulder and dab the drool from his jacket. He wanted to make sure I was awake, so I wouldn’t miss the Indianapolis information session or a single question that it prompted.

We were told to have our students at school by 4:30 Thursday morning and to pack them plenty of warm clothes; that students would be allowed to bring dvd players and mp3 players, as long as they have headphones; that all movies should be rated G or PG, and all cd’s, Wal-Mart approved. It was explained that they will need money for five meals—fast food, and for t-shirts if they want to buy one. Students were encouraged to bring a small blanket and pillow for the bus.

Then it was time for questions from the floor:

Should I feed my child breakfast Thursday morning?

Can they bring personal dvd players?

Will it be cold in Indianapolis?

How much money should we send?

Can my son bring the movie Jackass?

Will you keep the drumline away from our daughters?


Biggy said...

You forgot to mention the angry woman in the back who kept screaming she couldn't hear the questions.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part was the guy saying they wanted to get everyone home in time for Bill O'Reilly. Come on now, did that really happen or was that a little artistic license?

Tania Rochelle said...

You could tell that's what he was thinking.

mamoo said...

tania, you are a little rough on these people. everyone can't be the attractive, well-groomed, highly intelligent, well versed person you are. surely there is at least one more such person in east cobb.(and i don't mean you geg).

Tania Rochelle said...

Mamoo, I'm not claiming to be any of the things on your list. I look around the room and see myself (except I DON'T watch Bill O)!

Scary stuff.


I want to go to a band parent's meeting. I imagine I could think of some pretty entertaining questions.

Howard said...

Please tell me the next one happens 'cause I want to go. Badly. "Will it be cold in Indianapolis?" Gee, I don't know. I mean, it is north of here and it is November.


adrynd said...

can that be the next place you send the copywriters?

minus five said...

i'm most impressed with the picture of the lady in mom jeans. i'm kind of glad you don't look like that, but if i were you, i would go buy a pair at jc penney just to wear to these kinds of meetings.

you know you secretly like band parent meetings. the moms and dads trying live vicariously through their kids. the ones who never gave up their school spirit and still go to their high school homecoming.

i say you suggest at the next meeting that you have them more often. or maybe a band parent bbq fundraiser. i would come down for that one.

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