Ten Rules For Visiting A Pregnant Woman

In spite of the fact that I violated every single one of them when Minus-Five and I dropped by Anne's on Saturday, I offer you the following guidelines, carefully formulated during my own four pregnancies:

1. Don’t call at the last minute and ask to come over. Give her plenty of time to change out of her sweat pants and pick up the Snickers wrappers.

2. Arrive when you say you will. She has to wait 6, 720 hours for the baby to get here. Don’t dare make her wait for you too.

3. Do not show up empty-handed. A lady’s gotta eat. Gourmet pickles are nice. Or chocolate.

4. Be sympathetic; don’t wear heels or anything with a belt.

5. Don’t argue with your sarcastic sidekick about whose fault it was you got lost. You are not Sonny and Cher.

6. Do not tell divorce stories.

7. No dead dog stories either.

8. When a pregnant woman asks to take a picture of your armpit, indulge her willingly. It won't kill you to smile.

9. Don’t stay too long. After twenty minutes, she’ll need to pee or eat a jar of peanut butter, and she’ll want to do it in private.

10. Be a giver, not a taker; don’t ask her for directions to the airport.


minus five said...

dang, tania, i didn't know you were ridden with so much guilt over that day at anne's. i guess i'm used to saying and doing the wrong thing so much that it doesn't even phase me. i just tell myself that i'll try to do better the next time.

i think you're wrong about #5. its perfectly fine to argue anywhere as long as its funny. since i was one of the people in the scenario, it was definitely funny.

regarding #4, i make people on their deathbeds feel like models when i come walking in. its one of the best things about the minus visiting.

and for the record, you're a freakin' indian giver because you said i could put this story on my blog. i guess i'll have to show you up. again.

Biggy said...

MF, perhaps if you weren't so busy criticizing your future ex-roommates you could have beaten T to the punch.

Tania Rochelle said...

1. I am.

2. I disagree and remind you that you've never been pregnant.

3. It's best to let you believe that.

4. There's an old saying that come to mind: You snooze, you lose.

minus five said...

what's with you and biggy teaming up against me? and anyway, you don't have to be pregnant to know things. thanks for throwing it in my face that i can never have kids though. that's pretty cool of you.

Jennifer said...

Minus Five, I am sure though that if you did have kids you would not make the boychild wear his big sisters' hand me down skirts to school and force him to sleep in the yard with only his wicked step-father's soiled panties for a pillow. How's the food at T and Biggy's? Did Tania slave over a hot stove for you? Or do they only use the oven when they go all Hansel and Gretel on Jack and try to shove him in?

minus five said...

jennifer: when tania let me eat, we ate out or ordered out. she didn't let me eat very much. she kept remarking about how i am a fatass and then she would make me go on 3 mile hikes because she said i needed the exercise. i didn't see much of jack; they kept him locked outside most of the time i was there. he only got to come in to clean.

Jennifer said...

MF, I appreciate the info. I am longing to go visit Tania myself soon, if I can stir my lazy ass and drive the hour and fifteen minutes or so from Athens, but now I am wondering if it would be safe to venture into the Catoe House of Hell. Does DFACS know about what goes on in there? Does Jesus?

Anne-Davnes said...

Tania. I love you. This was GRAND to read, especially with my mother here. We laughed and laughed.

I do have a question for you though: What's a "belt"?
Is it something like a more restrictive kind of lycra?

Jennifer said...

You can use a belt to spank, also to tie boyfriends to the headboard if you're into that kind of thing...

Tania Rochelle said...

Jennifer, Biggy wants to know when you're coming to visit.

Tania Rochelle said...

Anne, your pre-pregnancy memory will return just in time for dementia to set in.

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