Ten Rules For Visiting A Pregnant Woman
In spite of the fact that I violated every single one of them when Minus-Five and I dropped by Anne's on Saturday, I offer you the following guidelines, carefully formulated during my own four pregnancies:
1. Don’t call at the last minute and ask to come over. Give her plenty of time to change out of her sweat pants and pick up the Snickers wrappers.
2. Arrive when you say you will. She has to wait 6, 720 hours for the baby to get here. Don’t dare make her wait for you too.
3. Do not show up empty-handed. A lady’s gotta eat. Gourmet pickles are nice. Or chocolate.
4. Be sympathetic; don’t wear heels or anything with a belt.
5. Don’t argue with your sarcastic sidekick about whose fault it was you got lost. You are not Sonny and Cher.
6. Do not tell divorce stories.
7. No dead dog stories either.
8. When a pregnant woman asks to take a picture of your armpit, indulge her willingly. It won't kill you to smile.
9. Don’t stay too long. After twenty minutes, she’ll need to pee or eat a jar of peanut butter, and she’ll want to do it in private.
10. Be a giver, not a taker; don’t ask her for directions to the airport.